?

Log in

[icon] Watch the ground
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:Website (music myspace).
View:My Music.
You're looking at the latest 15 entries.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 15 entries

Security:
Time:01:06 am
 It's 1am, and I'm still drinking. Fresh drink of gatorade and rum. sad, but true-one addiction can't be filled? fill another!


wrote a new song tonight..called "Before the Age of 10"...so inspired by my students. and it's damn country. I'm kinda country. oh well! true story-raised in texas. grew up on the dixie chicks and martina mcbride...

(only discovered rock because of sadness later...)

yeah. life is frustrating. some days, things feel awesome. 2 days later, same shit, different day-and i bitch all dinner about how everything needs to change and i'm soooo a;oseirtja;ldkja;lkdfj.


Tomorrow i'll wake up early, go to yoga, and try to start fresh. if i can get out of bed. please dear god, no red throw up tonight.  


what?
comments: 1 lovers or Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:01:34 pm
  I keep getting sucked into the void of my boredom, losing track of time and delaying forward motion. If only I could be half as productive as I am comfortable with doing nothing! I keep losing myself in other peoples' daydreams and artworks, which is what they are created for-but I'm not sure if this passive, observant role is meant for me. If it is, may I realize it soon and find my happiness and success without straining for the unattainable or out of reach.
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:04:33 pm
 I rethink the situation.

He might be finally over me. This really might be all over.

I can breathe again.
comments: 2 lovers or Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:04:27 pm
 I need to get out of here. I'm not sure if 'here' is Dallas, or just my state of mind. My eating's out of control(although somehow I'm not gaining weight), my acne is goin hardcore these days, and for some reason I still have emotions tied to Josh. I keep reading all of these articles about how technology is making relationships, specifically breakups, harder. I completely agree. I've tried defriending him..he adds me back.  I could completely block him..why aren't i?

At this point I have to admit I'm being masochistic, though it doesn't feel good. I don't want to see that he's changed his relationship status from "It's Complicated"(giving me some prize I felt) to blank. I've blocked him on my newsfeed, so I had to actually search for him on my friends page to see what he's been up to. I'm trying to stop. But today I saw that, and there literally was a pain in my chest..a shot through the heart..whatever..nothing I can't recover from, but it stings. Just another reminder of what I went through and how much my perception and hopes and dreams changed. Everything is much more positive now.

But still, why is it so hard to just defriend him/block him(for MY sake)? Part of me must want him to see how well I'm doing, to wish for what he can't have. But to think that he's finally gotten over me, at least outwardly, is crushing to my ego.  Who thinks about me now? There's no one I can name that I know for a fact fancies me or thinks I'm the most beautiful and exotic looking girl in the world. Why do I need any one else's approval? I know I'm pretty...but life is dragging.


Back to the original thought-leaving. Leaving both the state of mind still pre-occupied by Josh and the way of life/location of where I adapted to for him. I don't have to stay here. Moving is just a hard task that seems out of reach right now, for sure with my lease until August. Plus, who's to say life will be better somewhere else? I guess I do. I know life in LA was more satisfying and that I was in a much better place mentally and emotionally. I'm afraid if I go back there without squishy comfy situations like school and parental financial support(I know they'd help out, but not offer to pay a full rent while I search for a job..I assume. I haven't asked. But I assume I'm right.)

I love my job and I love my coworkers...but nothing here is holding me. I rarely go out, and if I do, it's usually with old friends to 'catch up'..meaning, we aren't a part of each other's daily life, we just need to touch base on the major things happening in our lives. I know things will work out. Naturally. That's my motto. What will be will be, and I will see. Yeah..I know, it's a cheesy attempt at wisdom.

Maybe I've been watching too much Sex and the City on E!. Maybe I just miss the vulnerable, excited, unknowingness of the beginning of a relationship. My mind is way too curious for my own good..I must stop thinking and worrying. And checking Josh's profile. I must stop!
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:01:33 am
I feel change blowing in the wind...coming with a breeze...and it's positive change.

Things are being forced to evolve, choices must be made, and motivation must be carried out. Everything can turn out SO good.


.....Conscious of money spent on food and of nutrional value......eat well, for cheap.
..work more, save more, more money in general...less eating out and pointless purchases.

Better energy, more exercise, and more meditation.


THANK YOU AQUARIUS NEW MOON!
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:08:06 am
Capricorn new moon! feels like a productive one.

I want: a full schedule of teaching to come easily to me, the energy to fulfill my duties, better control over my finances and some money for savings, trust in family and their support of my dreams, and hard work in all areas of my life that need help: health, musical, work, friendships, my engagement.
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:10:49 pm
My sagitarrius new moon goals...not nearly as list-ed and specific as last moon's. I guess I'm feelin the free flow of the sag mode.

I just want more faith in myself, in my beliefs, in my relationships..I want to explore the city/state more, and I want to enjoy the holiday season.

Yeah, things like that.
comments: Gimme some love Share

Current Music:demi lovato omg, i'm a dork
Security:
Time:09:25 am
VIRGO NEW MOON!!!!! topics appropriate for wishes/goals: physical health/diet/exercise, work/job, efficient organizing, clear discrimination, helpfulness, order, relaxing perfectionism.

wishes for self improvementCollapse )
comments: Gimme some love Share

Current Music:jesus music, of course.
Security:
Time:07:35 am
Current Mood:calmcalm
Recent Tarot reading I had. I look mostly to those just for some good words of wisdom that seem fairly directed at me personally. I'm a fan.Collapse )

Life has been so good lately. I am finally breathing deep breaths and smiling up at the sun and dancing and loving on Josh. When I'm happy, the world is a different place.

Trying conversations lead to better realizations and understanding eachother's intentions.

I think I might have had to move back here to find myself again. I got to live a glorified, fantastically fun life out in LA, but I was starting to lose my focus and passion. I didn't even enjoy music anymore, let alone want to have a career using my instrument.

How did I get so off course? Doesn't matter, the fact is that now I'm back in gear. I've found a great voice teaching job, at an amazing, innovative studio, and my boss is also my mentor-and hero. She's achieved so much and is so good at what she does, and I get to study and work under her. Not to mention, she's the nicest lady ever and is a spiritually positive person to be around.

I taught my first voice lesson yesterday, and I loved it. It was a challenge-my student was 7 and had never really sung before. She couldn't even tell me what bands or singers she liked, let alone think of a song to sing for me. But after a few easy exercises and some giggling, we connected. I took her back to our music library and we picked out some Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, and High School Musical songs for her. Then she started getting really excited and remembered how much she loves Taylor Swift and Sara Bareilles. This is gonna be fun. I asked what her dream was, and she bursted out "AMERICAN IDOL!!" So innocent. I can't wait to keep working with her.

I've been spending a lot of good time with my family, and I've gotten to reconnect with some of my best friends ever, the ones I left behind for 4 years. I'm back! And I'm so glad I am.

I was meditating the other night, and had the strongest, most emotional visualization I've ever had. It was life-walking down an endless strip of stars off the boulevard. Every friend I've ever met stood on the side of the road at their appropriate time stop, waving and surrounded by the things that represented the good times. Juliana stood there like a gypsy, belly dancing and wavin "Hey girl Hey!!" After about 5 minutes of that walk, the boulevard ended and we were at a beautiful field of yellow daisy's and light green grass. It was paradise, and Josh met me there and we just walked on. I waved goodbye to the boulevard and then the vision stopped. It was such an intense look back at my life thus far, and I was just bawling the whole time. But not in a 'lying on my bed in fetal position crying', it was me, sitting crosslegged hands relaxed on my knees, smiling with tears running down my cheeks. Accepting and acknowleding what I was feeling.

Life has finally clicked for me here, and after a ton of emotional breakdowns and physical renovations, we're ready to move forward happily. Things are going to be okay!
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:04:04 pm
Super excited about my job-love these little kids. But MAN..i have a problem with the 13 year old girls in booty shorts and knee high boots.

what the hell! am i really this old and conservative? 13 year olds should NOT be dressing like this!!

ugh..miley..what have you done to your generation?

hahaha. .....
comments: 1 lovers or Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:08:38 am
Thank god for David Anderson. Came in late July 4, and has been entertaining me for the past 2 days. I've missed that boy, and he's turned me back on to LA for my last few days. Thank god, I was starting to HATE this place.

Ok, my agenda before I leave?

Blood drawn
Car checked
Dakota to vet
Lunch with Maya
Visit LaFaMos
PACK
Sell shit on craigslist
Go to beach
Paint room
Pick up prescription

AHHHHHH i'm so overwhelmed, every time I make one of these lists. Geeze, can I be on the road yet??
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:06:16 pm
This is the loneliset 4th of July ever. This used to be my favorite holiday, hanging out with my family on the lake in Sandusky.

Umm now I'm laying on an inflatable mattress, eating muffins, and reading cosmo. My cable is out, and I have no one to hang out with :( .

I hate my life here in Hollywood so much right now, and I'm really struggling to stay connected to people. Everything's changing, in everyone's lives, and it all just feels so weird.

I'll be so relieved when the car is packed and I'm driving away, and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:02:37 pm
Also on my list of 'i hate you stop it'

don't, upon hearing that i'm a performer moving back to texas, tell me that there is no music scene there, it's all out here in LA, and say "well..good luck" half assedly.

shut up.


can i leave yet?
comments: Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:01:53 pm
everyone needs to leave me the fuck alone, let me pack my shit, and bounce.

i'm so sick of people begging me for favors on my last stretch here. it really feels like my friends are TRYING to get under my skin and have my end the friendship.


BYE


(yeah i'm a bitch, duh)
comments: 1 lovers or Gimme some love Share

Security:
Time:11:21 am
Current Mood:boredbored
Wow, June 22??? really??

Time has been absolutely flyin'. I've been to Texas and back, I've quit my job(next week is my last), and I've played my last show in town. Now my weeks consist of getting things in order to move and hanging out with everyone who wants one last fill of me.

It's been good at the house, Melissa and I aren't fighting anymore. We finished that off and have been golden since. I'll really miss her when it comes down to it. I'll miss her and a few other fuckers out here..but let's also say that I will NOT miss a few specific people. I am so overwhelmed with needy friends out here. Constantly calling and texting, more than my freaking boyfriend. Demanding constant hang out time. Since when are friends required to hang out EVERY day?? We are not in college anymore. My life is not your life. Let me live mine, and let's get together once every few weeks and discuss our separate endeavors.


Grrrr. It'll be interesting to see what happens to people.


Texas was an emotional vacation. Josh got us an apartment. I freaked out, in a panicky way. Where was my stuff gonna go?? Why is it in the middle of nowhere?? Scared him I think, cause I'm sure he expected me to just love it and ease back into a loving, cuddly relationship. Unfortunately, the past 5 months have drained me, and it took me awhile to jump back in and open up to him. We expressed our concerns, and by the end of the week, I was sure I'm making the right decision. Especially after getting off the plane in Burbank and driving home through Hollywood..I'm so over this place right now. Maybe someday I'll have my house on the beach in Malibu, but until then, I do NOT want to live in Hollywood anymore. It is so congested and dirty and this business is mostly fake and full of self-serving struggling artists. I've fit that mold and made it my life, but I'm ready to try something different.

I had one great job interview at a vocal studio, one terrible interview at a yoga store, and one that didn't happen because of tornado weather. Josh's parents want me to help with internet marketing for their companies as well, so I've got a few things to keep me busy when I get there. More than keep me busy, I need to be earning money! I think something will pan out.

I think my biggest fears revolve(d) around not having anything to do, no job, leaving all my friends, and jumping into a very serious relationship. Maybe I struggle with commitment? Nah..I'm doing it.



Today marks a new moon in Cancer..so I'm going to include my wish list. If you're interested in this at all, check out New Moon Astrology by Jan Spiller. One of my fav books and fav things to do month-to-month. Keeps me in check.

self improvementCollapse )
comments: Gimme some love Share

[icon] Watch the ground
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:Website (music myspace).
View:My Music.
You're looking at the latest 15 entries.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 15 entries